I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
