I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
