I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
