hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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