It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
