so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
