Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
