i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
