i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
