The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize