I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
