shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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