dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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