I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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