It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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