I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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