but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
