I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
im six kinds of drunk right now
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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