ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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