Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
