so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
