Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
