I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
MIDGETS
????
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize