Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
