remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
