Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize