Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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