just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
