end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
