Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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