I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
