it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
