Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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