so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
