My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
