Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
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