the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
