I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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