Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
