Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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