Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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