my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You can't motorboat a personality
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
