did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
