I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
