i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
