Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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