Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
