I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
