I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
