Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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