I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
