he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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