I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
