This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
