her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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