Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
