Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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