New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
