i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
