Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
