remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
