Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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